A Very Badly Written Play
by Jume
Summary: Don't read if you are offended by stupidness. This is a badly written play with a cast from real life. I wish I could spell when typing:(


> Cast- Albus Dumbledore as played by Jerry Seinfield

> Lucius Malfoy as played by Newman(from seinfield)

> Tom Riddle/Voldemort as played by Kelsey Grammar

> Harry Potter as played by Bart Simpson

> Ron Weasley as played by Jason Lloyd

> The Fat Lady as played by Whoopi Goldberg

> Draco Malfoy as played by Maculay Culkin

> Silly Muggles as played by various Muggles

> Minerva McGonagall as played by Julia Roberts-Louis(I'm not really sure what her last name is, she's Elaine from Seinfield)

> Wormtail as played by Cozmo Krammer AND

> Rebeus Hagrid as played by Richard Hatch.

(It's one fine day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in bustling New York City; Albus Dumbledore is having a meeting with Lucius Malfoy. Let us watch their greeting . . . )

Lucuis- Hello ... Albus. 

Albus- Hello.... Lucuis. Well, will we get to business then? 

Lucius- But of course we will. 

Albus- So, you want me to expell Harry Potter for no reason? 

Lucius- Not for no reason; he is always saying rude things and shooting stuff at me with his slingshot. 

Albus- Well, he's only a fifth year, and boys will be boys. Did I ever tell you about slingshots? If I never see people slinging them over their shoulders, or shooting them out of shotguns, why is it called a sling shot? 

Lucius- Perhaps because it has a sling that shoots small objects? 

Albus- Oh yes.. 

Lucius- Back to Harry? 

Albus- Hmm? Oh, yes. Well, I'm afraid we can't let him, go, he's been invaluable in protecting the school.(The scene changes to the Hogwarts grounds. Lord Voldemort comes within the premises of Hogwarts and is attacked by cars running on either side of him, going in two opposite directions. He manages to escape through to his task . . . kill Harry Potter. He steps on a rake.) 

Voldemort- You again eh? Well, let's just see about that . . .(He steps on another rake.)Darn! You never give up, do you?(He breaks the new rake in half only to be bombarded by dozens more. He gets the idea to use a weight increasing spell on the rakes.) Gravisisimo rakes!(The rakes fall flat. He then steps on a shovel that hits him right on the forming bruise above his eyes)Grrrrrr.(The scene shifts to Harry, who is polishing his Moon Shooter 500.) 

Harry- I wonder what Voldemort is doing today.( Ron Weasley is sitting on a bed trying to clear his mind and doesn't hear Harry. He starts to lift his books with the Force) 

Ron- Did you say something, Harry?" (Ron doesn't even shift his concentration.) 

Harry- I was wondering where Voldemort was now. 

Ron-He is outside of Hogwarts being bombarded by gardening tools. 

Harry- How did you know?" 

Ron- Just clear your mind, and it's quite easy.( Harry looks at his friend and thinks he sees an odd, black figure with a weird helmet on its head.) 

Harry- Ron? Are you okay? 

Ron- Is anyone okay these days? Oh, well, let's go defeat Voldemort again. (They go out into the hallway after seeing the Fat Lady was off playing Ghostly Squares with her friends. She was in the middle . . . she always was. When they reach the Great Hall, Harry and Ron meet up with Draco Malfoy. Draco is muttering to himself and keeps slapping himself on the face.) 

Ron- Idiot. 

Harry-Quite right, Dude." (Harry then pretends he doesn't see Draco. When they reach the front door that had a well-placed window next to it, they could see Voldemort struggling with plows. Outside of Hogwarts, many Muggle cars are moving quickly over an area of smooth pavement. There are tall buildings in the distance, and silly Muggles who don't belong in the story are crowding around a restaurant where a show of lights is being given. Professor McGonagall comes up and looks out of the window. When she sees Voldemort she starts to move, moving like an injured chicken. When Harry asks her what she is doing, she says she is dancing. Neither Ron, Harry, nor does Lucius Malfoy, who is about to leave, share that idea. They all leave her, scattering in one direction. Lucius, Harry, and Ron walk out of the skyscraper castle to watch Voldemort. He had made little progress and is almost falling into the moat. He takes another step and promptly falls into the aforementioned moat. Lucius shakes his head and leaves. He is a busy man, with his newly married wife, Narcissa again, his Muggle job as a postal worker, and all of this running around with Dumbledore; the man was crazy with all of his jokes! He shakes his head again and finally leaves. Hiding by the castle steps is Wormtail, the pitiful excuse for a Death Eater. He shudders, suddenly having a vision of what Dumbledore would say to that.) 

Wormtail-'Ello! Lucius! Want to have a race to help Master out of the moat?( He would rather not, but he decides, why not. Lucius starts to run first, but as he is very overweight, the slender Wormtail soon overtakes him. Then Lucius jumps hard, and lands on Wormtail's back.) 

Wormtail-(Jabbering incomprehensibly.)Are you mad? Sir? Oh, my tail hurts, the purple of it all! 

Lucius- Of course, now carry me across the street.(Wormtail carries Lucius across the street whereupon he is tired. They are on the other side of Voldemort now, and Lucius glares over the moat at Harry who shoots a dungbomb at him with his Moon Shooter 500)That little brat! 

Wormtail-(Heaving)Whatever you say... Sir...(He collapses leaving Lucius even with the ground) 

Lucius- (Gets up and absentmindedly steps on Wormtail's face. He walks over to the moat while rubbing the place where the dungbomb hit him.)Need help? 

Voldemort- Not from you, you dung covered idiot!(Lucuis looks over his robes and doesn't see the dungbomb remains on his brown robes) 

Lucius- I cannot say I agree(He pushes Voldemort back to the bottom). Have a nice fall. School starts soon you know. 

Voldemort- (Gasps) I'll return, Weasley!(Ron stares at him) I am your father! 

Ron- Yeah, right. And so is Dumbledore, Harry, my mother, and Wormtail here. Wormtail, are they treating you all right? 

Harry- Ron, Voldemort? 

Ron- Oh, right.(He starts to concentrate on making Voldemort fly upwards. Voldemort starts to float upwards. He then falls into the Hudson river.) 

Harry- Nice work, Ron. Let's go to Hogsmeade and celebrate.( They walk off with Hagrid, who has been sunbathing on the roof of the North Tower. He's still in his birthday suit, but you could hardly tell because of his beard. They arrive at the Three Broomsticks and both have butterbeers; Hagrid has a firewhiskey.) 

Dumbledore- Minerva? 

McGonagall- Hmm? 

Dumbledore- I say we vote Hagrid off next. 

McGongall- How about Hermione, she can get another school, and besides, I don't like her singing.( Dumbledore and McGongall go to a secret room in the side of the school that has a nice refridgerator, a bunkbed, a couch, and a bathroom. The other teachers are there and they evenually vote to expell Draco because they feft that he had too big of an inferiority complex.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter stuff(J.K. Rowling does), Star Wars stuff(George Lucas does), Seinfield stuff(I suppose Jerry Seinfield does), the Simpsons stuff(Matt Groening and James Cohen(?) and that Sam guy do), NewYork(The United States does), the Hudson River(New York does, and maybe another state, I'm not from NY), or Whoopi Goldberg & Maculay Culkin who proabably own themselves. The fan-fic author who wrote "Crushed" owns the little room. I don't know if Narcissa is Draco's mother's name, but ever since In read DD and DS by Cassandra Claire, she's always been Narcissa to me. I don't own Richard Hatch or Survivor.


End file.
